


Waving through a window

by izlaria (mixthealphabet)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Honestly this is about them being friends and getting better, Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Pre-Relationship, References to Suicide, pining connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 11:32:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17140997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mixthealphabet/pseuds/izlaria
Summary: The first day of school, Evan accidentally starts an interaction with Connor Murphy, and being seen changes everything.





	Waving through a window

Evan Hansen did not like school. Not only because of the normal reasons – people and grades and bullies and crowds –, but because it was just another place where his invisibility clashed with his awkwardness, and that was just a recipe for disaster.

Evan knew he was weird. He liked to believe that was mostly collateral damage from his anxiety and depression, but there were just some things he couldn’t deny. High schoolers didn’t care about trees or preservation parks or deforestation. Or, at least, that’s what Jared told him.

He didn’t know if he should believe Jared, most of the time.

The morning so far hadn’t been the best. He’d walked to school in an attempt to escape the rush of people that would flood the bus with the start of the new semester. It had seemed like a good idea initially, because walking meant time alone and away from judging eyes.

He’d forgotten that walking also meant handling the morning sun, which shone bright and hot even though summer was coming to an end.

So Evan felt a bit too warm, already. Moisture collected under his collar and on his armpits and over his brow, and it made him feel a little disgusting. He would have to go through those first few minutes before the bell trying to cool down, or else he would worry everyone would notice how sweaty he’d gotten and they would wonder why he was so sweaty. He might even start to smell, despite how he’d made sure to check his deodorant before leaving home.

He was a mess.

This wasn’t a surprise, of course. He always felt like a mess, but the first day of school had a way of bringing out the worst of his anxiety.

Evan leaned against the side of a row of lockers, closing his eyes for a moment. The halls were still deserted enough that he could stand there without anyone to stare at him. Through the window on his right, warm sunlight shone down, coloring his sight with shades of pink and orange.

He held a hand against the glass in order to steady himself.

When he opened his eyes, there was a boy on the other side of the window. He had his hand up and a look of uncertainty in his eyes, like he was trying to figure out what was happening. It took a second for Evan to realize the boy was staring at him.

Evan forced himself to wave. It felt strange, but he knew it would be stranger to let the guy – Connor, it was Connor, with long, matted hair – wave at nothing. He didn’t want to make anyone feel bad, especially not when he was the one who had been resting his palm against the window, like a weirdo. How long had he even been standing there?

Connor’s confusion turned to surprise, but his lips tugged up into a smile. It was a funny smile, small and tight, as if his whole face was fighting against it.

Unwittingly, Evan grinned back.

The sun caught on Connor’s hair and made it look lighter, bringing it closer to Zoe’s shade. Evan hadn’t noticed it before. He supposed he hadn’t really noticed Connor before.

Then Connor was moving out of sight.

Evan expected that to be the end of it, but as suddenly as Connor had disappeared, he was back, walking towards him. His eyes were a little red, maybe a little brighter than Evan had expected them to be.

“Hi,” he greeted, hands tight on the strap of his messenger bag.

Evan felt himself choke. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out as his brain went through a million possible answers and a million possible negative outcomes. He could blurt out that he hadn’t meant to attract Connor’s attention. He could comment on the weather, despite how out-of-nowhere that would seem. He could simply say hello. He should say hello.

“Hm,” Connor frowned, growing impatient, “did you want something?”

“NO!” Evan exclaimed. He cringed at how high his voice had gotten. “No, hi! Hello!”

Connor’s annoyance morphed back into surprise. “Hello, I guess.”

“How was – I mean – Did you…” He cleared his throat. “Did you have a nice summer?” His eyes widened. “You don’t need to answer if you don’t want to, I get it, I don’t mean to pry!” Then, just as quickly, but in a lower tone: “Oh my god, I’m sorry.”

Evan really didn’t know how to handle the situation he’d gotten himself into.

The other didn’t seem to mind. Connor gave him a considering look, but the tension in his shoulders had lessened.

“You’re asking me how my summer was.” He fixed Evan with unimpressed eyes. “Why?”

“I –” Evan hesitated. “I don’t know. W-Why not?” He pulled at the hem of his shirt, attempting a smile.

It was unconvincing, he was sure, but something seemed to soften in Connor’s expression. He looked away from Evan and shifted his weight from one leg to the other. “So, what happened to your arm?”

Evan hooked his thumb on his shirt and circled the fabric around it. It was something to take the focus away from Connor.

“I fell out of a tree, actually.”

“You fell out of a tree?” Connor asked after a moment, his attention a weight that Evan couldn’t lift off his shoulders. When he spoke again, however, his tone was amused and unthreatening. “Well, that’s just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, oh my god.” He snickered while Evan nodded along.

“I know.” He laughed a little, suddenly able to look Connor in the eye once more. The boy was rubbing his brow, looking as awkward as Evan himself felt.

“No one’s signed your cast.” It was an odd statement, too emphatically said to be a question, but there was no mockery in Connor’s voice. Evan supposed that Connor didn’t know how to control his aggressiveness, even when he was only making small talk with a random classmate.

“No, I know,” Evan breathed out, so low that he wasn’t sure Connor could actually hear him. He stared down at his cast.

“I’ll sign it.”

Evan slowly looked up at Connor. His jaw was set, which gave his features a sharpness that hadn’t been there before.

“You don’t have to,” he replied shyly.

Connor shrugged, hunching forward. “Do you have a sharpie?”

The question sent Evan back to his conversation with his mom, to her eagerness. His mind blanked as he fumbled for the sharpie in his pockets.

This must have looked like hesitation for Connor, because he started to turn away, stopping only when Evan thrust the sharpie into his line of sight. He nodded once, probably more to himself than to Evan, before taking it and pulling Evan’s arm closer.

Evan protested the roughness, and Connor glanced at him with worry, before signing his name in big, block letters across the cast.

“Oh, great.” Evan tried not to grimace at how the signature had taken his entire forearm. He did his best to sound enthusiastic, despite how fake it came out. “Thanks.”

He continued to look at it in a mixture of awe and distaste. On one hand, now he wouldn’t have to worry about how the blankness of his cast would attract people’s attention. On the other, that signature wasn’t exactly subtle.

“Yeah, now we can both pretend that we have friends,” Connor explained.

He looked earnest; Evan didn’t think he’d ever seen Connor look earnest. It brought a smile to his lips. “That’s a good point.”

It was Connor’s turn to look away, embarrassed.

Evan picked at the edge of his cast, searching for a safe topic. “You never did say how your summer was.”

“It was fine,” Connor answered curtly. His brow had furrowed, not in annoyance, but maybe discomfort. Evan wasn’t sure what to make of it.

“Good,” he interjected weakly, stretching out his vocals. “What – Hm, what did you do?”

Connor gave him a dead-eyed look. “Got high.” He started to move down the hall, motioning with his head for Evan to follow. “You?”

Evan rushed after him. He didn’t want to seem too excited, but he hadn’t expected Connor to want to continue their conversation, especially not when it meant being seen around Evan in the hallways, where people were slowly trailing in. No one ever talked to him in public for more than a minute or two.

“I worked as an apprentice park ranger at Ellison State Park. I’m sort of a tree expert now.” He tried to keep the smile from his voice. “I mean, not to brag.”

The laugh that escaped Connor’s throat surprised both him and Evan.

“A tree expert.” The boy shook his head, smirking. “You’re really something else.”

Evan didn’t know whether to take this as an insult or not.

“Yeah…” he trailed off. “But the park, that’s where I broke my arm.” He lifted the cast, as if Connor needed a reminder that it was there.

“So you broke it ‘cause you were working.” His tone was amused, and Evan couldn’t remember if he’d known Connor could sound like this. Not angry. “Don’t know if that’s sadder or not.”

“You spent your summer high. I don’t think you can really judge,” he snapped back, with more sass than he’d meant to display. “ _Oh my god_ , I’m so sorry,” he added immediately after, eyes wide. “That was so rude of me, I don’t know why I –”

“You got bite,” Connor interrupted. Evan had expected him to yell or something, but Connor was smirking.

“That was so unnecessarily mean, I don’t know why I said that,” he babbled, letting the words tumble out in a hurried mess. He grew panicked, unable to look up at Connor.

“Don’t ruin this for me.” The exasperation in his voice prompted Evan to glance up just in time to catch Connor rolling his eyes. “I like bite. At least, I do when I can tell it’s just that.”

Evan frowned at his hands, uncertain. “I don’t want to seem rude.”

“Honestly, Hansen,” Connor stopped at a locker, pulling roughly at the lock, “I don’t think it’s possible for you to seem rude. You’re a little too much of a weirdo.”

Evan grimaced. “That’s… good?”

He stood to the side, scraping his nails against the hem of his shirt while Connor picked scraps of paper and wrappers from his bag and threw them carelessly into the locker. Evan couldn’t see inside, but he couldn’t imagine it looked any tidier than Connor’s bag.

“Surprisingly, yeah,” Connor replied. He was nonchalant about it, keeping his expression blank. Evan wasn’t as successful, unable to stop a smile from taking his lips.

“Wait!” He looked up at Connor, wide-eyed. The other glanced at him around the locker door, raising an eyebrow. “You – You know my name. Well, my last name.”

“We’ve been on the same grade since we were midgets.” The exasperation was back. “Do _you_ not know my name?”

“No, I do! I do!” He raised his hands in distress. “You’re Connor, Connor Murphy!”

“Yeah, the guy who threw a printer at a teacher in second grade.” Connor slammed his locker shut, making Evan jump.

Connor hadn’t put any books in there that Evan could see, but he figured it was just the first day of school and classes wouldn’t really start until the students reacclimated to the academic year.

“Did that really happen?” he asked in a small voice, wondering if he should just leave Connor alone. He had already upset him.

“Weren’t you there?” The way he said it made Evan think he wasn’t expecting an answer. There was a layer of exhaustion to his tone, behind the anger, that Evan imagined not many would be able to hear. “Nowadays, it feels like the whole school was in that fucking classroom, the way they tell it.”

“No, hm, second grade was… not the best.” He shrunk under Connor’s prying eyes. “My – My father left us, and that was when the anxiety started to, like, really bear down on me, so I didn’t – I didn’t come to school a lot.”

“Oh.” Connor grimaced. “Same, though. Not on the father thing, though screw both our fathers, but on the – the mental illness thing, I guess. Do you need to get to your locker?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, over here.” He hesitated, before leading them further down the hallway. “And screw _mental illness_ , honestly.”

Connor barked out another laugh, a bitter thing. “Yeah, screw mental illness.”

Alana Beck was on them in an instant, hands resting on the straps of her backpack. It didn’t look tense, like when Connor did it, but simply a natural way that people moved. Because there were people who didn’t have to think about where their hands were going, or if their palms were too sweaty, or if they were starting to smell from walking to school under the morning sun.

 _Was_ he starting to smell?

“Hey! How was your summer?” Evan opened his mouth to answer, making some kind of sound that he was sure didn’t count as an actual word, but Alana didn’t stop. “Mine was productive! I did three internships and ninety hours of community service! I know, wow. Even though I was so busy, I still made some great friends. Or, well, acquaintances.”

Evan didn’t know how she could speak so much in a row. He knew he tended to ramble, but his rambles never seemed to make sense and they certainly were never as well-paced as Alana’s little speeches. She was really incredible. He wished he’d been able to do ninety hours of community service, instead of just spending his free time at home feeling sorry for himself.

“Are you always this good-humored at this time of the morning?” Connor grumbled under his breath. He was so expressionless that Evan didn’t know if he was mocking Alana or if he honestly wanted to know.

“Yes?” she answered, tilting her head to the side in confusion. “Your eyes are red, Connor. Are you okay?”

Evan glanced momentarily from where he’d been trying to open his locker. He’d managed to sniff under his arm discretely enough that the other two hadn’t commented on it.

“I’m high.” The boy shrugged.

That explained why Connor didn’t appear as closed off as usual. Alana’s presence had diminished this, but it didn’t negate that they had been talking since Connor had gotten to school. It was possible that Evan’s weirdness made him too pathetic to warrant any kind of paranoia from drugged Connor.

Evan wondered if that would change once he was sober.

Alana’s mind had clearly taken a different path. Her forehead was creased and she’d crossed her arms over her chest, like a teacher might do when preparing to scold one of their students.

“I don’t believe it’s a good idea to use drugs in the morning, especially when you have responsibilities to attend to. You should at least wait until after school, so it won’t get in the way of your academic achievements.” Evan exchanged a dumbfounded look with Connor, which did not go unnoticed by Alana. “While I do not condone the use of marijuana, I do acknowledge that it is the lesser of several evils and that its prohibition does not agree with the current use of psychotropics in our generation.”

“Beck, stop,” Connor said in a deadpan. “I get it. You’re not judging. If you wanna worry about someone, worry about Hansen. He’s the one who broke his fucking arm.”

The deflection worked. Alana gasped, uncrossing her arm and reaching for Evan, before seeming to think better of it.

“Evan, oh my god! You broke your arm?” Before he could get a word in, she was already moving on. “My grandmother broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. That was the beginning of the end, the doctors said, because then she died.”

Evan took a step back, stunned by her matter-of-fact tone. He tried to remember what one’s supposed to wish to people who have lost a relative, but his mind kept drawing a blank.

Connor choked out a laugh. “What the fuck, Beck?”

She gave him that same confused stare. “What do you mean?”

“You can’t just say something like that. I’m a mess, but even I know that.” Evan cringed at his tone. He didn’t think Connor meant for it to sound so uncaring. “That’s fucking sad!”

“Were you close?” Evan managed to blurt out, wanting to stop Connor from insulting the girl any further.

But Alana didn’t seem insulted, she seemed shocked. “Oh, yes, actually. It was quite hard for me.” She fell silent.

“Is that why you, hm, why you did so much during break?” Evan continued. Having finished putting his books in his locker, he was left to claw at his shirt in an attempt to calm the nervous energy that rose inside his chest.

“I suppose that did weigh into my decisions.” Alana had deflated from her previous arrogance. It made her look vulnerable and even a little small. Evan hadn’t initially noticed that she was shorter than him. He didn’t have time to ponder on it, though, because her gaze fell to his cast. "It must have hurt.”

Evan didn’t know if she was talking about him or her grandmother.

He wrung his hands. “Do you want to, maybe, sign it?”

“Oh,” she looked at his cast, where Connor’s bold signature contrasted against the stark white of the plaster, “isn’t that something that only friends do?”

“And close acquaintances,” Connor piped up with another eye roll.

Alana didn’t seem to catch his sarcasm. She beamed up at them and moved to rest her backpack against the lockers, pulling out a purple marker.

She used cursive, which Evan would have expected, had he thought about it. Her letters were round and legible and even large, though not like Connor’s. It fit Alana, in the sense that everything seemed very calculated.

The first bell rang just as she put the cap back on her marker.

“I should go. Happy first day, you two!” She started towards the stairs, then paused, looking over her shoulder. "Will I see you at lunch today?”

Evan inhaled sharply, almost choking at the words that fell out of his lips. “Yes! We’ll be there! I just need to – need to print something out, first.”

“Perfect!” Alana grinned once more. “I’ll wait for you by the computer lab, then.” She waved once more and left.

“We’ll be at lunch?”

Evan swung around to meet Connor’s eyes. Again, he didn’t look exactly mad, but there was such a thing as cold fury and Evan didn’t want to be the target of his bursts of aggression, especially when he knew they would be totally justified given how completely inconsiderate he’d just been.

“I –” He felt his chest constrict with panic. “I’m so sorry!” he yelled. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to! I can explain to Alana, because I was the one who answered for you and I didn’t even give you a choice, like, who even does that?”

Connor snickered again and rubbed a hand against his furrowed brow. “It’s very hard to stay mad at you, did you know that? It’s like kicking a very anxious puppy.”

“Sorry?” Evan didn’t know if being called a puppy was a good thing, but he would take it if it meant staying on Connor’s good side.

“Ok, I take it back. You need to stop apologizing.” He was glaring, now. “It’s pissing me off.”

“Sorry.” Evan grimaced.

Before Connor could respond, however, Jared was rounding the corner and walking their way. “Hey, Connor! Loving the new hair length, very school shooter chic.” He motioned towards the boy, a dismissive gesture that sent a chill of dread through Evan.

“Jared, you can’t say that kin–” Connor put a hand on his shoulder, interrupting him.

“See you later, Hansen.” He turned back to Jared with a look of cold indifference. “Kleinman.” He held up his middle finger, already walking away.

“It was a joke,” Evan heard Jared mutter, but his eyes were on Connor’s retreating back. Without really meaning to, he brought his hand to trace the signatures on his cast. “What’s that? The freak signed your jerking-off-too-much cast?”

Evan snapped his attention back to Jared, glaring. “That was not what happened!” he whisper-shouted. “And he’s not a freak!”

Jared examined him for a moment. “Damn, Evan! Choose a Murphy and stick with it.”

Evan wanted to protest again, but he knew from Jared’s smirk that no good would come from it. He felt tired and hopeless, suddenly, and it was strange to realize that he’d stopped feeling like that at some point since arriving at school.

For the first time in years, he could barely wait for lunch.

* * *

Evan didn’t like when Connor was silent.

Most of Connor’s family saw him as a ticking-bomb, ready to explode at a moment’s notice, but Evan didn’t really agree. He thought Connor was more like… like chemistry class. It could be really cool, once you got the hang of it, but it could also be disastrous, if you got too close to the fire.

Evan hadn’t realized he’d been leaning in, until that first spark.

“What the hell were you doing, talking to my sister?” Connor had parked the car right in front of Evan’s house, but he didn’t unlock the doors. His voice had grown emotionless, which was never a good sign.

“I – I was just…” He jumped when Connor smacked his hand against the panel, still not looking at him.

“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING, HANSEN?”

Evan didn’t know how to act when people yelled at him. Seeing others lose control was a surefire way of bringing his anxiety to life. There were a few times when he’d been able to yell back – with his mother, maybe once or twice with Jared –, but it usually just sent him into a spiral of panic that didn’t end until he’d cried himself to sleep.

He didn’t want that to happen with Connor. Connor was important.

“S-she wanted t-to talk. I was just–” he tried again, clenching his fists around his shirt.

“You were just what?” Connor was looking at him now, eyes so wide that they made him look a little deranged. “Just trying to get with my little sister? Just moving past the fucking stepping stone that was our damn friendship?” He flailed in his seat. “Huh, Hansen? Is that it?”

“What? No!” Evan reached for Connor’s hand on the panel, where it had been clawing at the metal embellishments. His nails were starting to bleed. “Stop, please, you – you need to listen.”

Connor pulled his hand back. His shoulders hunched forward and he dug his fingers into the seat. “I don’t need to do anything, you asshole!” he spit out.

Evan scrubbed at his eyes, trying to clear his sight from the tears that had started to well up. When he looked down at his hands, he noticed they were stained red from Connor’s blood.

God, he literally had Connor’s blood on his hands. What a disaster.

“Zoe just – She just wanted to ask me, I mean, ask me something about you.” The words sounded bad even as he said them. Connor disliked when people talked about him, because he’d grown accustomed to mean rumors and to his parents’ hushed discussions about his future.

Connor laughed, but it was humorless and tired. The bitterness in it made Evan’s chest feel tight.

“So you thought you could take the opportunity to get closer to her? What did you think you were gonna do, Hansen? You seriously thought you could tell her all about her screwed up brother and how kind you were, for dealing with him, and that she would fall for you?” He scoffed. “Yeah, this perfect girl who could see through your fuck ups, who would listen to your tree kink and think ‘Yes, this is the one’,” he made a high-pitched impression of Zoe. “Don’t make me laugh!”

Words could hurt. Evan had been aware; he’d spent a good portion of his life trying to blend into walls to avoid the stares and the insults that came with being the odd one out at school. He’d been called every name in the book, had lived through pushes in the hallways and paper balls aimed at his head, but nothing – nothing – had hurt him the way Connor’s words had.

Those were things he had shared with Connor because he was a friend, someone he could trust amid the chaos of High School. Having those insecurities thrown back at him felt a little like dying.

For a second, he was hitting the ground again, with no one to notice he’d fallen.

“STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!” Connor brought his hands to his hair and pulled at it.

“L-like what?” Evan managed to stutter out. He felt his eyes sting, but he couldn’t keep the tears from falling.

“LIKE I’M GONNA HIT YOU!” Connor’s voice shook. “I’M NOT GONNA FUCKING HIT YOU!”

Evan didn’t know what to say. He felt angry and hurt and scared. He knew Connor could get violent when he had episodes, but Evan had never seem him hurt other people. Only himself.

“Hitting me would’ve probably hurt less,” he mumbled before he could think about it. Evan scanned the car panel, trying to remember how to unlock the doors before Connor really snapped.

Then Connor froze. His eyes were fixed on Evan, but his previous fury had melted into alarm. “I-I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I didn’t mean that, I swear, Evan, I swear.”

Evan held up one hand. It was shaking, but he tried not to think about it.

“You can’t say,” he looked for the words, keeping his eyes downcast, “say shit like that, Connor. I told you those things in... in confidence.”

“I know. I know.” Connor knocked his head onto the headrest, then again, then again, until Evan lifted a hand to cushion the blow. “You’re my best friend. I’m sorry.”

They were close now, close enough that Evan could see the brown in his friend’s right eye. There was a little red there, too, like he was trying not to cry.

“Will you let me explain, now?”

Connor closed his eyes and nodded. When Evan tried to pull his hand back, so he could sit down properly, Connor grasped it and kept it against his hair.

“You can’t blow up every time I do something you don’t agree with,” Evan chastised. Connor’s hand was a little sweaty in his, but Evan didn’t mind. “You need to trust that I’m not doing things to hurt you.”

“I know,” Connor repeated.

Evan considered him for a second, taking advantage of the fact that he wouldn’t be seen. The anger had drained from Connor’s features. It made him look young, like the seventeen year-old that he was, despite the turmoil that he nurtured inside himself.

Evan could relate.

“I’m gonna say something my therapist always says and I need you to not be a jerk about it.” Connor opened one eye to look at him, before closing it once more and shrugging. “Okay, okay. Hm, everyone in the world is going through something. Life isn’t easy. For anyone. You think this is me being nice, but it’s not.” Evan ran his hand through Connor’s hair. “I didn’t understand this for a long time, but then I met you, and Alana, and even Zoe.”

Connor dropped his hand onto his lap.

“I can’t think about all of them, Ev.” He leaned further into Evan’s touch. “I can barely handle what I’m going through.”

Evan nodded. “I know. And that’s fine, too, ‘cause your pain will always seem worse, because it’s yours. I just need you to remember that they are hurting,” he hesitated, his hand pausing in Connor’s hair, “that I am hurting, before you say s-shit like that.”

“I guess I can do that.”

Connor’s lips had twisted up into an almost smile. It wasn’t tense, like the one he would give Evan when he was trying to hide his amusement, just weary. Evan almost didn’t feel like saying anything else, in case things went bad, again.

“Good, ‘cause I’m about to tell you something you’re not going to like.”

Connor opened his eyes and raised his eyebrows, the picture of calm expectancy. Evan could almost believe it, except, this time, when he pulled his hand back, Connor made no move to stop him.

“So, Zoe, she came up to me after class.” He swallowed dryly. “She was – thankful, I think? She said you were talking to her again and that she thought it was because of me.” He took a quick breath, fiddling with his shirt. “Which is crazy, I know, but she thinks Alana and I are helping, and I guess I hope we are? Like, you guys are helping me! So, anyway…”

Connor chuckled. “No need to speed through it, Evan.” He made a face at him, receiving another snort from Connor. “Zoe’s so nosy, seriously, what the fuck.”

“She cares. That’s good, right?” Connor didn’t answer, choosing to look out the window, instead. “Yeah, okay, then she asked if you talked about her, which you do, so I didn’t know what to say, ‘cause you wouldn’t want me to tell her that, but I didn’t think it would be a good idea to say no, so I just…”

“You just…” Connor repeated forcefully.

“I just told her you felt bad for the way you treated her?” Evan shrunk into his seat. “Which you do!”

“But I didn’t want her to know that!” Connor groaned, running a hand through his face. It left a faint red streak against his chin.

Evan coughed to disguise his disbelief. “Didn’t you?”

Connor glanced at him with a badly suppressed pout.

“You know, this friends thing is getting kinda old. I don’t need anyone calling me on my bullshit.”

They exchanged looks for a moment: Evan with his raised eyebrows and Connor with his attempted glare. The latter was the first to break, huffing out a laugh.

“I think that’s exactly what you need,” Evan stated, a satisfied smile pulling at his mouth.

“Don’t get cocky and finish the damn story,” the other replied in a deadpan.

“N-not much else… I told her to ask you about it, if she wanted to know what you thought of her.” He paused, then in the same breath: “Oh, and I hope you don’t mind, but I also told her we’d already bought tickets to go see the jazz band this Friday!”

Connor turned to him brusquely. “You what?!”

Evan offered back a tentative smile.

“You know I don’t do well under pressure and I especially didn’t want Zoe to think I was hiding something from her or that you weren’t really trying, so when she asked if there was nothing else, the words just tumbled out and then she looked so hopeful, I couldn’t just say that I’d lied!” He saw Connor take a deep breath, as if preparing to interrupt. “I’m like Ella Enchanted, ok?!”

His friend looked at him in confusion. “Ella Enchanted?”

“Yeah!” Evan gestured widely. “It’s a movie, with Anne Hathaway! It’s nice, kind of a fairy tale, I guess, but I like how positive the ending is?”

Connor rolled his eyes before he could get into really explaining the story.

“I know what Ella Enchanted is, Evan.” He massaged his temple. “What I don’t get is how you’re like her. At all.”

“It’s – It’s like, I just automatically do these things, I don’t even think about them!” Evan scrunched up his brow. “But it’s ‘cause I don’t want people to feel bad and not because they’re telling me to do them. I don’t want them to think I’m uncaring, so I end up…” he trailed off, at a loss of what to say.

“Lying?” Connor suggested, still looking annoyed.

“Yeah,” he answered weakly. It was one of his coping mechanisms, though one he was trying to work on. “I get it, if what happened today makes you think less of me, or – or makes you not trust me.”

“I do, though.” Connor sighed. “Trust you. It’s just…” He frowned. “Kleinman was being a dick and he wouldn’t shut up about your crush on Zoe, so when I saw the two of you at the hallway, I just snapped.”

Evan turned this over in his mind, searching for the right response. “That was not very… fair.”

Connor rolled his eyes.

“No shit.” He put his hands on the wheel and stared blindly at them. There was blood caked under his nails, and Evan knew he would have to convince Connor to come inside to clean them. “But life’s not fair, and Zoe already has everyone on her side, so you’re supposed to be–” he cut himself off.

“What?” Evan pushed.

“Mine.” Connor turned to him, a strange intensity to his eyes. “You’re supposed to be my friend,” he continued after a beat, “and seeing you with Zoe brought up the fact that everyone likes her better, so it would be just fucking perfect if my best friend decided to trade me up for the better Murphy.”

Evan shook his head, smiling and trying to hide that smile.

It was always strange to remember that Connor also felt inadequate, despite acting like he couldn’t care less what people thought of him. His concern wasn’t as general, though, being limited to the people he considered important. It was why he had so much trouble talking to his family. It was why he’d blown up at Evan.

Because they mattered, as twisted as that logic was.

“Well, I might not know much about Zoe,” Evan pondered softly, “but she wasn’t the one who calmed me down from my panic attack last week, nor the one who made a scene at English when the teacher started being rude to me. So I’m pretty sure I know who the better Murphy really is.”

“Fuck,” Connor whispered, so low that Evan almost didn’t hear him.

“What is it?” Evan frowned.

“It’s nothing,” his friend rushed the words out, blinking rapidly. “I think I understand Kleinman a little better, now.”

“What do you mean?”

Connor snorted and leant back into his seat, tilting his head slightly to look at Evan. “I wouldn’t want to lose you, either.”

Evan felt his cheeks warm, but didn’t try to disguise the blush. It was nice, to feel worthy of so much attention, even when the conversation had started as a complete mess.

“Haven’t we just established this?” he said with as much sarcasm as he could. “You’re my best friend, Connor, and I’m not going anywhere. There’s no place that I would rather be.”

The intensity was back, or maybe it had never left and Evan was just very bad at reading Connor. He didn’t understand what it meant, but he didn’t feel like questioning the other after the day they’d had.

“Me too,” Connor agreed, and the smile he gave Evan was both blinding and a little troubled. “I guess we’re buying concert tickets?”

Evan beamed at him.

* * *

 

“Hey, Evan! Wait up!”

Evan looked around in confusion. No one ever called out to him. Alana usually popped up from thin air, already mid-sentence in her hurry to share her thoughts. Connor shouted, but he still hadn’t moved past calling him Hansen in public, for whatever reason.

And Jared. Well, Jared didn’t really talk to him in school, anymore.

Still, any of these people would have been less of a surprise than who actually had been calling him.

“Hey, Evan,” Zoe Murphy greeted breathlessly. She had run across the school yard to get to him, a scene Evan couldn’t have come up with in his wildest dreams. “How are you? I haven’t seen you since the concert.”

Well, there was a reason for that. After his fight with Connor, Evan had started avoiding Zoe. He didn’t want to get on Connor’s bad side again, especially since they’d grown really close throughout the semester.

His mother has even noticed a change in him, though Evan didn’t see it. She said he seemed happier and wondered if the new meds were working. Evan supposed he did feel less and less like a waste of space, which was something. Thanks to Connor and Alana, he had actual reasons for why his days would be good.

“Yeah, yeah… School,” he tried. The smile he offered Zoe sat strangely on his face, pulling at his cheeks. “Senior year, you know… Or you don’t, ‘cause you’re not a senior, but I imagine you can guess how it feels, and you’ll know for sure next year, though I don’t mean to say that you’re gonna have trouble dealing with Senior year, I’m sure you’ll be fine, and I’ll just shut up now.”

He rocked slightly on the ball of his feet, feeling more awkward than ever, but Zoe continued to smile at him. The look in her eyes was almost fond, if he dared say.

Evan had forgotten how kind Zoe could be.

“I get it. I’m not looking forward to that kind of stress.” She gave a playful sigh. “I wanted to talk to you, if you have the time. I know we’re not really friends, but you were really helpful the day of the concert.” She looked down, kicking a piece of gravel on the pavement. “I know Connor wouldn’t have come on his own.”

Evan struggled with his answer.

Did he want to spend time with Zoe? Absolutely. He had been infatuated with her for a long time, and those kinds of feelings didn’t just disappear, even if he was trying to set them aside in favor of his friendship with her brother.

On the other hand, just the thought of her brought a surge of adrenaline through his system, and not in a good way. She made him light-headed and confused and nauseous. Evan didn’t know how other people dealt with crushes, if this was how everyone else felt.

“He was glad to be – We! We were glad to be there! You were really good!” he blurted out, unsure of what else to say.

“Thanks,” she chuckled. “You already said that.” She nodded towards one of the benches that lined the school yard. “Come, sit.”

They sat under a flowering dogwood. It had lost most of its leaves due to the colder weather, but Evan still found it beautiful. He wished it was spring, so that he could have seen what Zoe looked with its white flowers in her hair.

“I wanted to thank you, again, for getting Connor to the concert. I don’t think he had ever seen me play.” Zoe smiled again, but there was a bitterness to it that ached in Evan. “He’d heard it before, sure, but that usually ended up with him banging at my door, threatening to push my guitar out the window and me with it, if I didn’t stop.”

Evan remembered that from Connor’s retellings. He never spoke much about it, unless he was having an episode, and those were anything but coherent.

Once, Evan had followed him into a bathroom stall, where Connor proceeded to split his knuckles on the wooden door. Evan had tried to stop him, but Connor had muttered through gritted teeth that it was nothing compared to how much pain he carried every day. That he had hurt Zoe and his parents and Evan and that he deserved to be dead in the ground.

Somehow, Evan had managed to take Connor to the ER, where he had been sedated.

That was when Connor finally agreed to talk to his mom about going to a psychiatrist and starting therapy.

“It was no problem!” The words rushed out, as they usually did. Evan felt like he needed to fill the silence between them, before he said more than he should about Connor. “I love jazz band! I love jazz! Not all jazz, but jazz band jazz.” He forced himself to shut up, grimacing. “That’s so weird, I’m sorry!”

Zoe shook her head. “You really do apologize for no reason. Connor said you would.”

Evan turned to her, so abruptly that he almost slipped from the other side of the bench.

“You talk? About me? I mean, of course you talk, but not about me. Why would you talk about me?”

He considered letting himself slip from the bench, so he could bury his head in the ground and not deal with how stupid he had just sounded.

“We do talk about you. It’s like, the one thing Connor doesn’t get mad about. I think he’s proud, you know? You are…” Zoe trailed off, lips twisted in uncertainty.

“A nervous wreck?” he suggested, making her laugh.

“I was gonna say shy.” She swung her legs a bit. “He was proud that he didn’t scare you.”

Evan knew this. Connor had mentioned it in passing, like he usually did when he wanted to say something important without making it sound important.

“I am proud I get to be his friend,” he confessed, calmer this time. Zoe glanced at him, still smiling.

“See? That’s how I know you’re telling the truth. No stuttering there.” Seeing the confusion in his eyes, she continued, “Connor told me you lied when you felt pressured.” She leaned to knock her shoulder against his. “That’s how I know you don’t really like jazz.”

“I’m sorry!” Evan dug his nails into the fabric of his backpack, satisfied that he’d moved it to his lap, so he could have something to hold. “I don’t just lie all the time. Well, everybody lies, but not about this stupid stuff, just–”

Zoe held up a hand.

“Breathe, it’s okay. I think it’s sweet. Just don’t do it again.” He nodded. “You don’t have to convince me, Evan, I already like you.”

If she noticed how this statement froze him, Zoe didn’t let it show. She looked out into the school yard, a contentedness to her eyes that Evan wished he could bottle up and keep to himself, for when things got hard.

“The way Connor talks about you… I feel like I already know you. Sorry if that’s a little weird.”

Evan managed to keep himself from grinning, but it was close. Somewhere inside him, a spark he hadn’t felt since last year’s concert ignited. He felt like maybe – _maybe_ – he actually had a shot with this wonderful girl.

_His shot, his shot, his shot, his shot._

“It’s not weird,” he breathed out, so low that only Zoe could have heard him. She looked at him through the corner of her eyes, smiling. Unabashed.

It was something that Connor had, too. This ability to be unapologetically himself.

Evan didn’t have even a slice of it, though. He couldn’t hold the gaze, so he lowered his eyes to their feet.

“You, hm, you have stars,” he pointed at them, “on the cuff of your jeans.”

“Yeah.” Zoe laughed, swinging her legs once more. “I draw them when I’m bored. It drives mom crazy, but I like how they look. It makes me feel a little less like… I don’t know, another brick in the wall.”

Evan sneaked a peek at her. “Pink Floyd?”

“Jazz isn’t all I listen to.” She shrugged. “I like music in general. It’s not saving the earth,” she leaned towards him for emphasis, a smile playing at her lips, “but it’s a hobby.”

“I– I think it’s great. Music. It helps a lot of people who have anxiety, did you know? ‘Cause our hearts tend to beat slower when we’re listening to a song, so it’s supposed to calm people down.” He paused, realizing what he’d said. It wasn’t much, but it embarrassed him, nonetheless. “People. Not me. Just… people.”

“Not you,” Zoe teased. “Like I said, it’s not like I’m trying to combat global warming, but I enjoy it. I know plants help with anxiety, too. Connor says you won’t stop talking about it.”

“I just – I just really like trees.” Evan pulled at the straps of his backpack. He didn’t know whether he should thank or kill Connor. “There’s, hm, there are studies that show correlation between urban vegetation and stress recovery, so I… I just think they are cool.”

“It _is_ cool,” she chuckled, “you nerd.”

Evan wasn’t used to anyone but Connor calling him a nerd so affectionately. It was kinda nice.

“I don’t really… tell people about that. Other than Connor and Alana.” He turned his head to the side, unable to stop the tick. “I prefer to be, well, another brick in the wall.”

“I know.” Zoe nodded. Evan could tell it was more to herself than to him. “I think Connor wishes he could blend in, too. He told me recently that he tries a lot, but that it’s a constant fight against his own brain.”

Yeah, Evan could relate.

“He’s gotten better at it,” he said. He meant for it to sound comforting, even though Zoe’s expression didn’t change from the seriousness it had assumed.

“Thanks to you, Evan.”

The compliment didn’t sit right with Evan. Whatever his part in Connor’s recovery had been, he hadn’t done it for Zoe. He didn’t want her gratitude. He wanted Connor to be happy.

It was strange, because a year ago he would have died for a chance to have Zoe Murphy smiling at him like this.

_His shot, his shot, his shot, his shot._

“I used to steal from Connor’s stash,” she said after a beat of silence. “I don’t even like pot, I just wanted to go against him and my parents, but it’s like mom managed to brainwash my subconscious with her anti-drugs stance or whatever, ‘cause I only seem to have bad trips. I get really paranoid. Or maybe it’s a family thing. I don’t think Connor’s any better. The things he used to say…”

Evan shifted in the bench, nails digging into his backpack. “Why are you telling me this?”

“I don’t know. You’re just easy to talk to, I guess.” She sighed, not a hint of playfulness in her tone, this time. “I can’t really talk to my friends about it. They see Connor as this monster. They don’t understand why I’m letting him in again.” She ran a hand through her hair. “And I know that came from me. I stand by the things I said. He got… really bad.”

Evan wasn’t sure he should be hearing this from Zoe. Connor could be possessive, of both of them. Still, he wasn’t about to tell Zoe to shut up.

Honestly, Ella Enchanted. That’s what he was.

“During the summer, with us all cooped up in the house, he started smoking more.” Zoe turned to sit sideways on the bench, but her gaze fell to his backpack. “My parents tried, but dad gave up along the way, so mom doubled up and I just fell through the cracks. And I resented him. Especially because he kept acting like he had any right to resent me!” She looked up from where she’d been fiddling with the cuff of her jeans. “Sorry, that was too much.”

“No, no!” he hurried to assure her. “I– I know that it hurts, when people don’t notice that you, that you’re in pain, too.” Evan eyed her hands where they were still tracing the drawn stars. He considered holding one of them, but decided against it. “I know Connor can be an ass, when he’s not careful.”

For some reason, this made Zoe laugh. “I didn’t realize you were actually capable of saying something that wasn’t nice.”

Evan looked up in surprise, realizing his mistake. He’d just insulted her brother, his best friend.

“Sorry!” he shouted. “Sorry! Oh god, what, no, I didn’t mean to offend you or him or –” Zoe covered his hand over the strap of his backpack, effectively silencing him.

“No, I was impressed.” She rolled her eyes. “You’re ruining it.”

“Oh.” Evan frowned. He had a strange sense of déjà vu. “Huh, you kinda sound like Connor.”

This caught Zoe’s curiosity. “What do you mean?”

“Well, he said something… something very similar. To me. The first time we talked.”

Evan kept his eyes on the ground, not wanting to see Zoe’s reaction. He wasn’t sure what to make of her relationship with Connor.

“Do you have siblings?”

Her tone gave nothing away, so Evan shrugged. By his feet, a trail of ants moved towards the pavement, carrying leaves twice their side. Evan envied their strength, their diligence.

He hated thinking about his father.

“Sort of? My dad remarried and he has two kids, but I never met them.”

He didn’t have to look up to know that he had made it awkward, but Zoe had asked, and she had asked him not to lie again.

“Honestly? Maybe that’s better.” She swung her left foot, the one that was still hanging from the bench. “It’s so weird, having someone who knows you so much, but so little. Connor knows everything about when I was younger, and nothing about who I am now.” Evan felt the puff of her breath as Zoe exhaled. “We come from the same place, the same people, it’s not something that can just be erased. So, yeah, I know we are similar. And that’s why I know I’ll eventually forgive him, if he continues to try.” She huffed out a laugh, but there was no joy in it. “You must think I’m crazy.”

Her hand was still covering his, but Evan couldn’t look at it. He turned his palm up, so that he could squeeze her hand in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. He wondered if she would notice how sweaty it was.

“I could never think you’re crazy,” he whispered to the ant trail.

“I was right,” Zoe said, equally low. “It’s really easy to talk to you. Maybe,” she hesitated, “maybe we could grab a coffee, sometime.”

_His shot, his shot, his shot, his shot._

Evan looked up from the grass. His gaze caught on the window on the second floor, where he could see Alana talking to a bored-looking Connor. He was leaning sideways against the glass, eyes scanning the school yard lazily.

And then he stopped on Evan. Connor blinked as recognition settled. He turned to face the window and smiled. Not too big, but true. It struck Evan, how different it was from the first time he’d seen Connor smile.

Evan held up his hand in a wave, and it was only then that he realized that he, too, was smiling. From this far away, he couldn’t tell if Connor was laughing or just snickering at him, but it caught Alana’s attention, who joined him at the window.

She waved, more enthusiastic than the two boys ever could, motioning for Evan to wait there. He nodded back.

“I guess that’s a no, then?” His eyes snapped back to Zoe, an apology already on his lips, but she didn’t look annoyed. She was smiling, the corners of her eyes creasing with it. “We could all go grab ice cream, instead. Connor and I know a place.”

“Hm, sure, sure, that sounds…” Evan waved a hand in the air, the hand that had been holding hers, before he decided to wave at her brother, “great.”

Zoe laughed with a shake of her head. She was so close that Evan could smell the scent of her shampoo in the wind, but it didn’t keep his attention. He felt his gaze shift back to the window where Connor and Alana had previously been.

For a moment, somehow, he had forgotten Zoe was even there.

* * *

Dealing with Jared was tricky, at best.

Evan had known him for years and there were still plenty of things about Jared he didn’t understand. A lot of it came from the appearances that Jared liked to maintain, he knew, but a lot was just… Jared, being completely nonsensical.

He could be both clingy and distant, kind at one moment and cold the next. Evan was sure he wasn’t much help, because he never knew what to say to comfort him, which probably was a difficult thing to grow up with. He often wondered how much of Jared’s behavior was associated with how badly Evan had dealt with his friend’s insecurities in the past.

They all had their demons, he’d come to realize.

It still didn’t make him feel better when Jared was looking at him, both smug and questioning.

What did he know that Evan didn’t? What did he _want_?

“Acorn, do you need to take a shit?” Jared asked with a smirk. “Because you’ve been shifting an awful lot over there.”

Evan fixed him with an unimpressed look, grateful that they’d chosen to meet at his house. Jared’s parents usually took their son’s comments quite seriously, too overzealous in their affection for Evan to recognize the mocking.

“Jared, no, shut up.” He brought his knees to his chest. “You’re the one who’s being weird.”

Jared fiddled with the remote. They had been pretending to watch a movie, but Evan’s TV didn’t let them pause it or anything, so they were stuck with letting go of the charade.

“Oh, boy, I’m weird?” Jared gave the TV a shit-eating grin. “You’re the one who’s been sucking Connor Murphy’s dick on the down-low.”

And there it was.

For a moment, Evan just stared at him in shock. Despite what Jared had said on the first day of school, he hadn’t really insinuated that Evan might like Connor since. He usually focused on Zoe or on how fucked up Connor was.

Evan tried to say something, but it caught on his throat, and his noise of protest sent Jared into a cackle.

“Can you stop? Can you please stop?” Evan managed not to stutter, but it was rushed, the words meshing together. “It’s not like that and you know it!”

“Yeah, well,” Jared pretended to wipe away a tear, “someone should probably tell Connor that.”

“What are you even talking about?” Evan whispered this against his knees, burying his face against the fabric of his jeans. “Why do you always do this? I can’t have anything nice, you just make it about sex or romance or whatever.”

Jared scoffed. “Evan, for fuck’s sake, we’re 17. Everything’s about sex.”

“Not for me, it isn’t!” Evan lifted his head to glare at Jared.

“That’s rich. You think I don’t remember how obsessed you were with Zoe Murphy?” The derision in his tone grated on Evan. It was way too easy for Jared to fall back on malice. “I wonder what your new _friend_ would think about that.”

“He already knows, doesn’t he? You– Ugh, you made sure of it!”

“Look, Evan,” Jared turned to face him fully, a hardened look in his eyes, “if this was all about Zoe, I get it. She’s hot and all. But Connor is a mess and he’s after you. I’m just giving you the heads up. You don’t need that kind of friend.”

Evan knew he should just bite his tongue and let it go, but this had gone on for long enough. There was always something with Jared, always an aspect of his friendship with Connor that the other wanted to nitpick and judge.

“And what kind of friend do I need, Jared?” he bit back with as much venom as he could. “You? Except, we aren’t really friends. Family friends, or that’s what you like to say.”

Jared didn’t take this quietly. His expression twisted with an emotion that Evan couldn’t recognize, before it settled back into anger. He stood up from the couch, towering over Evan.

“Friends, family friends, whatever. I’ve known you since we were, what? Five? You hanging around the school stoner doesn’t change that.”

On an impetus, Evan grabbed one of the pillows from the couch and threw it at Jared. “You know me? You never even realized I stopped liking Zoe! Never realized maybe I didn’t even like her in the first place!”

Jared had grabbed the pillow after it hit his stomach, momentarily stunned. Then, he was on Evan, hitting him over the head with it.

“What. Are. You.Talking about?!” He shouted, punctuating each word with a hit as Evan struggled to take the pillow from him.

“I never knew Zoe!” Evan shifted to take hold of Jared’s arm, but, in the scuffle, he managed to elbow Jared in the side.

“Fuck!” Jared doubled over, falling onto the couch. He put his arms around himself. “Fuck, Evan! What the fuck?!”

“I’m sorry!” Evan let go of the pillow so he could hold onto Jared, who was balancing precariously over the uneven edge of the couch. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” His apologies turned into an incoherent babble.

“Fuck,” said Jared again, finally seeming to catch his breath. “Didn’t know you had that in you.” He let out a chuckle, then a cough.

“I–” Evan hesitated. “I didn’t know, either.”

Evan expected a punch or some kind of retaliation, but Jared just stayed where he’d fallen, eyes stuck to the ceiling.

“Guess I don’t know you as well as I though, huh?”

Evan didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to say to Jared, he never did. Their friendship always felt like a tightrope act, one false move and he would be dead on the ground.

A familiar concept, if Evan ever knew one.

“We’re friends, Evan.” Jared grimaced, pretending to gag. “I’m not touchy-feely, but you should know that, at least.”

Evan sat back down on his ankles. “Why’s that so hard for you? I know I’m a loser, but–”

“It’s not about you, dammit.” He shifted to look at Evan. “I’m a loser, too. And now you have all these people… Why would you still hang around me?”

Evan didn’t say this, but he’d asked himself the same question before. Jared had hurt him for years and added to the insecurities that existed inside Evan’s mind. In a way, he had been an ally to the sickness of Evan’s brain, bringing out every anxiety to look at it under a microscope.

And yet, Jared had been there when no one else was. Their friendship was a habit and a comfort, something Evan didn’t know how to part with.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly, shrugging. Evan flipped his leg from under himself, reclining against the cushions. “Maybe because I’ve known you since we were, what?” He gave Jared a smirk. “Five?”

Jared kicked his thigh.

“Do you really think you never liked Zoe?” he asked after a moment.

“Yes.” Evan scrunched up his nose. “No. I don’t know.” He sighed. “She’s pretty.”

“Yeah,” Jared agreed. “But there are a bunch of those in school.”

“And she looked kind.”

Jared propped himself up on his elbows, so Evan could see the eyebrow he’d raised.

“So she’s not kind and now you think the whole crush was a sham?”

“What? No!” He shook his head, eyes wide. “No, she’s great, but she’s not…” Jared waved a hand, motioning for him to go on. “Not what I thought she was.”

“Well, that makes sense.” Jared laid back down. “You didn’t know her before.”

“Yeah, but more than that, it’s like– Like I built her up in my mind, ‘cause I thought she would be able to see past all of… this.” Evan scratched at his arms, leaving red tracks where his blunt nails dug into the skin. “I didn’t want a… a girlfriend. I wanted, well, I wanted a cure.”

Another kick, this time on his right arm. Evan looked down at the marks he’d made, finally stopping.

He needed to stop, or else his mom would see them and worry that he was hurting himself on purpose, but he wasn’t. His skin itched. It felt dry and stretched weirdly over his bones, like it had grown too tight.

The redness contrasted against the paleness of his previously broken arm. It was something that Evan disliked, so he’d taken to wearing hoodies to disguise the difference in shade. Connor had started grabbing his hands, to stop him from wringing the hem of his shirt or from scratching himself.

It was sweet of him.

“I don’t think that’s how that works,” Jared pointed out, startling Evan back from his thoughts. It took him a second to remember what they were talking about.

“It’s not, but being her friend helps.” Evan hesitated. “Connor helps more.”

“And you say you’re _not_ sucking his dick?”

“Jared!” Evan glared at him.

“Just making sure, dude.” Jared continued to laugh, even as Evan took the discarded pillow and smacked him on the face with it. “Okay, okay, serious talk. I just want to make sure that guy isn’t taking advantage of you.”

“I’m not helpless, Jared.” Evan rolled his eyes. “Connor’s a good person, despite what everyone in school seems to believe.”

“A good person with enough anger problems to fill a maximum security prison.” He sat up, ignoring the look Evan sent him. “Look, I get it, you’re friends. I just worry that he’ll blow up on you and things will be worse than before.”

They couldn’t, Evan was pretty sure.

Jared didn’t know how bad things had gotten, just before September. Now, six months later, Evan felt much more in control of himself than he had back during summer. He still had trouble sleeping and interacting with strangers, but having people with whom he was even somewhat comfortable was a major improvement.

He felt listened to, for the first time in forever, and that was all thanks to Connor and Alana. Even his relationship with Jared had improved, in the face of his jealousy.

These weren’t the sort of things he could share with Jared. Firstly, because Evan wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so and there were a million different ways that could go wrong. More importantly, however, because telling Jared what had happened during the summer would be dragging it out into the light.

Evan wasn’t ready for the possible consequences. He didn’t want to jinx himself and end up back in that tree, with no friends and no hope. For the first time in his life, Evan had learned the distinction between being alone and feeling alone, and he wasn’t about to risk losing the people he’d found.

Evan was plenty aware of what happened when he was feeling alone.

“Then I would still have you, wouldn’t I?” he answered, instead.

Jared blinked, before turning his face away. He mumbled an “I guess,” trying to sound reluctant, but Evan could tell he was just embarrassed. It was nice that he could see this, when he’d previously been blind to anything outside his own desperation.

Evan pulled his legs onto the couch and nudged Jared until there was enough space for the two of them. A new TV show had started playing, and the two said nothing else as they settled in to watch it.

* * *

The first time Evan invited his friends over, it was Easter.

Jared couldn’t get out of the house, because his family was celebrating Passover, but Evan and his mom had never adhered to the festivals. He was Jewish on his father’s side, and it just didn’t feel right to continue without him, no matter how much his mom and the Kleinmans had tried.

It hadn’t been an invitation as much as it had been an ambush, one could say. Evan was on his way out, when the sound of the front door stopped him short.

“Evan, I’m home!” He heard the jiggle of keys as his mom locked the door. He looked down on himself, grimacing. She wasn’t supposed to be home until _after_ he’d left. “And I brought matzo ball soup and knishes! I was on my way to get pizza when Sarah called me.” She laughed. “Can you imagine? Risen bread on Passover. She almost killed me!”

Evan pulled on his sneakers, almost tripping over a pair of discarded jeans. There was no way he could say he was at Jared’s, now that his mom had already talked to Mrs. Kleinman. But Connor would be there any minute, with both Zoe and Alana.

They’d decided to visit this orchard that the Murphys used to frequent when Connor was young. It was closed, but that had never stopped Connor or Zoe, and their recklessness had been contagious enough that even Alana had agreed to go.

Evan fumbled into the hallway, just in time to catch his mother. She was just coming in from the living room, a smile across her lips that momentarily hid the exhaustion of her last shift.

“She tried to give me some chopped liver, but we both know I’m not letting that into my house again, especially after last year’s disaster.” Heidi cocked her hip to the side. Talking to Jared’s mom always put her in a good mood, which was nice to see. “Sarah never learns,” she finished with a light-hearted shake of her head.

Evan shifted where he stood.

He didn’t know what to say, what lie to feed her in order to get out. He hadn’t told his mom about Connor or the others. He worried he would eventually lose them, that it would end up being just another tragic attempt on his part that would make him even more pathetic in his mother’s eyes.

“That’s – That’s nice, mom.” He shuffled along the wall, despite how Heidi’s eyes zeroed in on his choice of outfit. “I’m sure it will, hm, that will taste great. I’ll remember to thank Mrs. Kleinman, but I have… to go?”

Heidi stepped into his path, forehead creasing with distrust. “Where are you going? I was hoping we could talk.”

“I…” Evan scrambled for something to say. “Out. I’m going out.” He stared down at the ground, where his sneakers had scuffed the wood.

“Out where, Evan?” she asked, voice deepening as a sign of her thinning patience. Heidi moved forward, as if to take a hold of his shoulders, but Evan stepped back. “Every time I get home, you’re either gone or asleep! I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!”

Evan crossed his arms over his stomach. He didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t initially meant to keep his friends a secret, but that was how things had turned out. It hurt that he had gone so long without his mother realizing there was something different, but Evan wasn’t surprised.

The anger, though. That was a bit of a shock.

“I can’t just stop everything when you decide it’s convenient!” he snapped at her, looking up in time to catch her go from startled to enraged.

Evan regretted it instantly, but his indignation did not subside. His mother could be awfully self-righteous for someone who wasn’t home long enough to notice that her son was fucking depressed.

“Ok, I don’t understand what’s going on.” Heidi waved her hands brusquely. “You’re going out and you won’t tell me where!” Before he could say anything, she continued, “and I know it’s not Jared! Sarah asked about you, Evan. She said you haven’t been there in a while, which is weird!” She let out a cackle, her lips pulling down to match the intensity of her eyes. “Because you told me you were at Jared’s two nights ago.”

“What does it matter?” Evan mumbled under his breath, shrinking away from her so his back rested against the wall. “If you’re not here, why does it matter where I am?”

His hands were sweating. He dried them on his jeans, but the moisture kept collecting between his fingers, and his mind wouldn’t let him focus on anything else.

“Why does it matter?!” he could hear his mother question. Evan hated how rough her voice got when she yelled, how scratched up she sounded. Hurt. Damaged. “Who are you? It’s like I don’t know you!”

He couldn’t think.

_He couldn’t think. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t think._

“How could you know me? You don’t know anything about me!” The words spilled out before Evan could stop himself, tumbling one after the other. “You never even see me!”

“Hey!” Evan could see her shoes, feel the heat of her breath, but he didn’t raise his eyes. He didn’t need to see the anger to know it was there. “I’m trying my best!”

A year ago, this might have devolved into an even bigger fight, but Evan couldn’t find in himself the energy to continue. He knew his mother was trying. He knew how hard it was, for both of them.

It was often hard for everyone, if Connor and his family were any indication.

“I feel…” Evan gripped at the hem of his shirt, worrying the fabric over his thumb. “I feel like a burden. Like, like –” he let out a breath. “I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. I ruined your life, so…” He cleared his throat, self-conscious over how high and strained his voice had gotten. “So I need to go. I need to go.”

But he didn’t move.

Heidi put a hand on his arm. She leaned down, into his line of sight, until Evan was forced to meet her eyes.

“You are the only,” she stopped, too choked up to go on, “the one good thing that’s ever happened to me, Evan.” She raised a hand to the back of his neck, bringing his head down to rest on her shoulder. “I’m sorry if I…” She took another breath. “If I made you feel that way. But I love you, and I just want to take care of you.”

Evan quieted.

Heidi’s hold on him was anchoring, as it had always been. He’d forgotten.

His mother used to sing him to sleep when he was young. She would cup a hand behind his neck and rock him in her lap, until his eyelids grew heavy. It was a memory that didn’t usually surface, because he was too busy resenting her.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, mouth full of the hospital’s scent from where it had spread into her clothes and hair. “I’m so sorry.”

“No.” Heidi shook her head, jostling him. “I’m sorry. I just…” She ran a hand through his hair. “I just want you to talk to me, Evan. I know that there are– there are things I’ll miss, so you’ll have to just, I don’t know,” she gave a watery chuckle. “Catch me up. Okay?”

He nodded. “Okay,” he lifted his head to scrub at his eyes. “Okay.”

Heidi moved back to look at him. “Honey?”

“It’s… I was…” Evan scraped his nails against the palm of his hands. “I was going to, well, to meet some…” He screwed his eyes shut. “Some friends.”

“Friends? But Sarah said Jared–”

“Not Jared.” Evan inhaled. Slowly, to relieve the pressure in his chest. He hadn’t wanted to see this. “Connor and Alana. And Zoe.”

Confusion washed over Heidi’s expression. “Why wouldn’t you tell me about this, Evan?”

“I don’t know,” he said quickly. “I was afraid.” His eyes flicked towards her. “I was afraid of the way you would look, so… hopeful. Because you know how much of a loser I really am.” This last bit Evan mumbled to his feet, unable to look his mother in the eye.

She took his hands from his sides, smoothing her fingers over the marks Evan had made with his nails.

“You are perfect,” she told him, voice heavy with emotion. “I don’t care what others thinks, but, to me, you’re perfect.” She squeezed his hands. “I just want you to be happy, too.”

Evan didn’t know how long they stood like that, but it wasn’t long before the first car horn sounded.

Heidi wasn’t startled. She smiled at Evan as she turned to leave, and she was already out of the hallway when it occurred to Evan that he should follow her.

He did, a “wait, wait” on his lips.

Into the living room, then out into their front yard, where his mom had just reached Connor’s car. Through the front window, Evan saw the panic in Connor’s expression as he scanned the porch with wide eyes until he found Evan.

But it was too late for any warning. Alana – ever the polite young woman – was already out of the car, meeting Heidi halfway.

“You must be Evan’s mom. It’s so nice to finally meet you.” Alana had a way of saying things that was both emphatic and sincere. Having her as an intermediary was probably the best case scenario, even if the impromptu meeting sent Evan into a bit of a tailspin. “I’m Alana,” she finished, as if she expected that to explain everything.

“Nice to meet you too, Alana.” Heidi shook the girl’s hand. “I know you had plans, but I was hoping you would like to come inside.” She looked past Alana, to the car, where Zoe and Connor still sat. “If it’s not a problem.”

Zoe scooted out of the backseat, through the door Alana had left open, standing with her back to the car.

“No, it’s no problem.” Without turning, Zoe aimed a kick at the passenger-side door. “Connor, out!” She smiled at Evan, then at his mother. It was a bit forceful, but good-humored, like she knew they would forgive her rudeness. Not for the first time, Evan wished he had her confidence. “I’m Zoe, by the way. This anti-social idiot is my brother Connor.”

Evan approached the car with a grimace. He wanted to say something to stop his mom, but he couldn’t really move. His legs had somehow brought him out here, but the rest of him was caving inwards, unable to avoid the mortification of this meeting.

Connor got out of the car and cringed when his door slammed shut. Evan kept his eyes on him, because he felt Connor was the only one who was reacting correctly to whatever this was supposed to be.

“Hello, Mrs. Hansen,” the boy said once he’d sidled up to Evan. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“You –” Heidi glanced at Evan – “have?”

He had. Evan hadn’t meant to blabber about his family life, but he tended to ramble, especially when uncomfortable, and a lot of his earlier days as Connor’s friend had been filled with awkward silences and tentative subjects.

So when Connor had started to go on about his parents and how they didn’t really know how to deal with his issues, Evan did the same.

It wasn’t something he spoke lightly about, but having Connor listen and understand had been helpful. As a third person, Connor had been angry for him, when Evan himself couldn’t muster up the words.

It wasn’t all bad. Evan had always recognized the efforts his mother put forth, even if the way she treated him often felt insincere. He hadn’t lied about feeling like a burden, and he really did wonder if she wouldn’t be happier if he simply vanished, one day.

But Connor had assured him that he would be missed, even if just by Connor himself, and that was enough for now.

“He says you’re, hm, a nurse?” Connor held his arms straight at his sides, which just emphasized his gangly limbs, but Evan liked how transparent it made him. Connor was trying so hard, it was endearing. “And that you go to school at night? He’s… really proud of it.”

Evan ducked his head down to avoid the look he was sure his mother would give him. Heidi was very bad at controlling her expression; one of the reasons why he could usually tell her fake enthusiasm from the times she’d actually had faith in him.

“I…” She sounded choked up, like during their conversation at the hallway, and Evan grimaced again. He didn’t want for her to cry because of him, especially for thinking he _hadn’t_ been proud of her. “I’m just so glad to meet you all.” She cleared her throat. “We don’t really have a lot of food in the house, but I’d love to talk a bit more. We have matzo ball soup, though.”

“Hm, mom,” Evan stepped in, “we were on our way out and–”

“We can go to the park any day, Evan.” Alana smiled brightly, like she thought this was what he wanted. “I would love to know more about Jewish traditions for Passover! I’m sure we can postmate some more food from a local restaurant. With the size of our Jewish community, I don’t doubt we can find a kosher selection.”

Zoe nodded along. “Yeah, our treat. When I told mom we were coming to see you, she gave us way more money than we needed.” She turned to Heidi, huffing a laugh. “Our parents love Evan. They think he’s a great influence on Connor.”

Before he could stop himself, Connor had rolled his eyes. Evan noticed his eyes dart to his mom right after, in alarm.

“Yeah, ‘cause he gets me to do homework. He refuses to come over unless I do at least one assignment.” Connor shrugged, eyes cast down onto the ground. “Evan thinks they won’t let me see him, otherwise.” One side of his lips tugged up, as if it was involuntary. “So, yeah, great influence.”

“Oh, it’s the mental illness,” Evan replied. He hadn’t meant to sound so flippant, but it had been an impulse from all the times they’d done this, before.

The other three teenagers all spluttered in laughter.

The joke had started between him and Connor, when they were talking about Evan being too nice. Later that day, Evan had asked Connor why his nail polish was always chipped, getting that way almost immediately after he’d painted his nails, and Connor had answered that it was the mental illness.

From that moment, Zoe caught onto it. Every time she zoned out on something they were saying or got too quiet, too suddenly, she would say that it was the mental illness. It took Alana some time to get what they were doing, but she was probably the worst of them all.

Rambling about community service in the library? It was the mental illness.

Skipping a button on her cardigan? It was the mental illness.

Getting the surprise meat from the cafeteria, even when everyone had warned her not to? Mental illness.

For some reason, it united them, the fact that they all knew there was something not-right about the way their brains worked. Even if no one else in the world accepted their reasoning, between them it was an explicit fact that not every action could be rationalized.

It also kept them accountable. Connor couldn’t excuse his angry outbursts when he knew it would cause Evan to have a panic attack. Alana’s bragging fed into Zoe’s neglect. And that made them responsible for each other.

Evan smiled, still a little unsure.

He just wished his mother would stop looking so thrilled. Her habit of making a big deal out of small accomplishments always made him feel small. Incapable.

Connor put a hand on his shoulder.

“Say the word and I’m getting us outta here,” he whispered to Evan, eyes on Alana as she pulled out the postmates’ app to show Heidi and Zoe.

The weight of his hand was a comfort and Evan covered it with his own without really thinking.

“We wouldn’t get far before Zoe locked the car down.” He smiled up at Connor, swallowing down the nausea that rose up from the idea of putting his friends and his mom in the same house for the afternoon. “I’m fine. Are – are you?”

“Yeah.” But Connor wasn’t looking at him, suddenly focused on where Evan’s hand was still touching his. “Yeah. I’m good.”

* * *

“We fucking did it.” Jared stared blankly at his plate. “What the hell,” he muttered to his eggs, with a frown.

Evan let out a nervous laughter, scraping his nails against the material of his jeans. He still thought it was a bad idea to put Jared and Connor together, but he hadn’t wanted to exclude one or the other from dinner, since both were his friends.

Connor gave Jared an uninterested look, then went back to pushing around the blueberries from his pancake. “What a mood.”

“Well, I, for one, am more than ready for what’s to come.” Alana straightened her back. The beads on the end of her braids clinked against the glass window when she turned to Jared. “I would have imagined you would be happy to finish High School.”

“I am!” Jared nodded, a bit frantic. He held up his hands in defense. “Don’t get me wrong, the only way I’m walking into that building again is if I become a millionaire ‘til the time of our reunion, so I can go in with a babe on each arm.” He ignored the look of revolt that Alana sent him. “It’s just surreal.”

“As much as I hate to agree with Kleinman, I second that.” Connor leaned back against his seat. The movement brought him closer to Evan, so their sides touched.

The contact didn’t innerve Evan. He had learned how physically affectionate Connor could be, when he forgot to put up his walls. It was actually kind of nice, despite the jokes it often elicited from Jared. Evan knew it had to do with how little Connor allowed himself to touch Zoe and his parents, especially after years of being unable to control his anger around them.

They had all been so afraid of Connor, for so long. It was difficult to remember it now.

“You aren’t coming back unless you have girls to show off?” Alana raised her eyebrows at Connor. Her disbelief was mirrored by Jared, who scoffed.

Evan thought there was something knowing about the look the two shared, but he couldn’t quite pinpoint what it meant.

“No!” Connor glared at them. He leaned over the table and away from Evan. “’Cause I’m not disgusting. I just meant… Like, until I’ve made something of myself. So I can tell everyone to suck it.”

Jared brought his milkshake glass up, as if in a toast.

“While I don’t think that’s the healthiest mindset, I can’t say I don’t understand.” Alana shifted in her seat. “People can be very judgmental.”

“Is that the rudest thing we’re getting outta you?” Connor grinned predatorily. He liked to bully Evan and Alana into admitting their actual feelings.

And, of course, Jared liked to join him: “I bet I can make her swear someone out!” He made an exaggerated hum, as if the sound would help him in his recollection. “What about Sandra Helsby? Or, or Rick Gaiman! The dude booed your speech. Besides, he’s the cardboard cutout of the dumb, asshole jock.”

“What about Bob Salinger?” suggested Connor, lips pulling down with distaste. “I know for a fact that he did a weird smear campaign on you, for whatever reason.”

Evan remembered that.

He had never liked Salinger much. The guy was a jerk at his best and dangerous at worst. He had thankfully never turned his sights on Evan, but there were plenty of less invisible nerds who had fallen prey to him.

He had made a bunch of insinuations about Alana’s sexuality, after she’d stopped him from harassing a girl into going to prom with him. While Evan wasn’t usually an angry person, Salinger had made him see red with the sort of shit he’d spouted about Alana.

“Salinger can rot in hell,” he hissed, scowling at the tabletop.

Connor barked out a laugh. The grin he flashed Evan was both welcome and a little embarrassing.

“We got Evan to swear.” Connor threw his head back. The hair fell away from his face, revealing the black studs that pierced his ears. Evan always forgot about them, for some reason. “That is even better.”

Alana rolled her eyes at him and Jared.

“Thank you for the sentiment, Evan, but I’m really okay.” She sighed. “Bob has his own problems, I’m sure. Everything he said about me was only to his own detriment.”

“Yeah, ‘cause we made sure of that,” Jared interjected, a bit angrily. “You were gonna let him get away with it!”

Alana shrugged. She didn’t lift her gaze to meet Jared’s, continuing to stare down at her juice.

“What he said was hurtful, but I thought that if I ignored him, it would go away. Eventually.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I was wrong, though admitting such a thing is very hard for me.” She aimed a teasing smile at them. “It’s the mental illness.”

Evan smiled back at her, even as Jared spluttered and Connor gave an annoyed huff.

Alana knew he had been the one to rein Connor in, stopping him from attacking Salinger, even as Evan handled his own ire. He understood better than most what damage could come from feeding into a bully’s narrative.

Jared and Connor had also been targets, at some point in their lives, but Jared had devised a tactic in which he pretended to befriend his attackers, while Connor had turned into too much of a loose cannon for anyone to mock. They didn’t really get it.

“I’m just glad to be done with school,” Alana went on. “The last few years were… not the best,” she scrunched up her nose, “but at least I found you.”

It was one of the most sentimental things he had ever heard Alana say. Not so much because of her wording, but because of the emotion in her voice, a weight they were not used to. Jared and Connor were equally lost, from the way they ducked their heads down.

But Alana continued to smile.

“I’m glad I found you too!” Evan urged, words jumbling together. He snapped his jaw shut to stop the onslaught of ramblings that threatened to spill out his mouth.

Connor knocked their shoulders together and, when Evan turned to look at him, his smile was a thin, upwards line. It calmed Evan down.

He didn’t really have the words to describe how much good Connor, Alana and Jared had done, this past year. Or maybe he had too many words and they scrambled on the path from his brain to his tongue. Evan’s unsteady breath disorganized his thoughts, catching the tone and the phrasing and the emotion of it all.

Instead, Evan just looked at Connor.

The boy still had tired eyes in a gaunt face, but something had change around the creases of his mouth. The contentment was new, Evan supposed.

“Ok, boys, keep the eye fucking to a minimum while I’m around!” Jared snapped his fingers at them.  “Get your dirty intentions away from my boy, Murphy!”

And the contentment was gone.

Connor flicked one of his blueberries Jared’s way, but Alana intervened before they could devolve into an argument.

“Honestly, you act like children. You both assured me that there would be no flying objects this evening, or else I wouldn’t have brought you to an establishment I cherish.” The glare she flashed at them seemed to subdue the two. “Now, will you behave or do I have to call your families? Because I will.”

Evan didn’t doubt it.

He hid his smile behind his hand. It did little to disguise his amusement, but Connor and Jared didn’t turn to him, too busy pouting over the lecture.

Momentarily ignored, but not unseen.

It remained a strange sentiment to Evan, who had grown so used to the invisibility of his awkwardness and anxiety. He often found himself biting down on the beginning of his lies, still, because it had been his first impulse for so long, his only way to get attention in any way that wasn’t negative.

But they made it better.

He caught a glimpse of pink by the door, and it was Zoe, with brand new streaks of color in her hair. She was with them in an instant, before Evan had had the time to turn and see Conor’s reaction.

“What up, losers?” Zoe grinned down at them. There was nothing subtle about this smile of hers, though it was still genuine enough to send a shock of affection through Evan.

He glanced at Connor, and he too seemed to share this feeling.

“The better Murphy!” Jared shot her finger guns, earning a scoff from Connor and a laugh from the rest of them. He could be just – so ridiculous. “Just in time to treat us to a celebratory milkshake!”

Zoe slid in next to Evan, nudging him until he and Connor moved aside. “Yeah, once I win the freaking lottery.” She rolled her eyes. “In the meantime, mom and dad sent me to grab you all for dinner.” She reached over Evan to grab one of Connor’s blueberries. “ _Actual_ dinner.”

Connor flung the fruit at her in retribution. “Fuck you,” he said, with no real anger.

“Fuck you,” Zoe bit back with a smile.

Siblings were weird.

“Well, I love your displays of brotherly love and all,” Jared stood up, “but I’m thinking there’s a chocolate cake with my name on it, back at the Murphy house.”

“I should never have let Alana give you that cake,” Zoe lamented. She shot Connor a look; it was carefully blank, but less so than it had been during the previous months. “So, what do you say?”

Connor stayed silent for a beat, working his jaw. Evan watched a muscle jump where it met his neck, like he was trying to keep the words shut behind his teeth while he thought.

“Sure.” He lifted a hand to pull at his hair. “Sure.”

Zoe turned away from them to get up, but she wasn’t quick enough for Evan not to see her grin.

As they were leaving, however, he felt a hand at his wrist. He didn’t start at the touch – it was too soft, just a brush –, but he did look back in askance.

Alana didn’t meet his eyes as she motioned for Connor to pass them. “We’ll be out in a second.”

Connor didn’t even react in suspicion. He shrugged one shoulder, muttering a “whatever” under his breath, before letting the door close behind him.

Evan couldn’t help the fear that started a prickle under his skin. He didn’t think he’d done anything to warrant a lecture from Alana, but one could never be sure. And it was always a possibility that she wanted to let him know that, now that school was over, she wouldn’t be contacting him anymore.

What if she wanted to tell him all the things she’d had to put up from him because of school? What if he had said something to insult her? Had he fallen asleep during her speech? He was pretty sure he hadn’t.

No, he had to stop. Alana was his friend and he couldn’t allow himself to spiral into intrusive thoughts every time something went wrong between them. His therapist had said it was normal for friends to disagree.

“Evan.” Alana’s hand was still on his wrist, firmer now. “I wanted to thank you. For this last year.”

Evan’s eyes snapped up to meet hers.

“Thank me?” he breathed out. “For what?”

He was the one who should be thanking her. Alana had helped him through school projects and extracurriculars and college applications. Her discipline was inspiring, as was her drive. Evan had found that same spark igniting in himself, even if smothered by his anxiety disorder.

“When you and Connor talked to me on the first day of school, I wasn’t at my best.” Alana didn’t stutter as she said this. She didn’t shy away from it, which was just one more thing for Evan to admire in her. “I’d always felt alone, detached from our peers. I could plan a thousand proms, but there was never someone who wanted to spend the night talking to me or dancing or…” She trailed off. “Until you. You don’t know how much that meant to me.”

Evan had always thought that Alana must have some friends apart from them. From her internships or from one of her many extracurricular activities. The reality of this surprised him, but it also fueled something inside of him.

He took the hand that was still on his arm. “You know that I – I mean, you must…” He breathed in and started over. “You’re amazing, Alana. You’re… one of my best friends. I don’t even, I don’t know if I could have s-survived this year. Without you.”

“You are amazing, as well.” Alana rubbed her eye under her glasses. “You’re good at reaching out to people, even if you also hate doing it.” She let out a laugh. “You notice people when they think no one can see them.”

“I don’t,” Evan protested.

He didn’t know how to respond to Alana’s compliments. He had been lost inside himself for most of High School, so deep inside his own torment that he hadn’t realized that Alana and Connor and even Jared were going through their own hardships.

“You are not responsible for making us feel better, Ev.” Alana squeezed his hand. “But being a friend helps, and you were the only one to do that.” She looked up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath. “Okay, then.” She put her shoulders back and smiled, back to her self-assured self. “I think we have a dinner party to attend.”

Before he could respond, she was out the door.

He followed her on unsteady legs.

Evan didn’t feel like he deserved Alana’s admiration, not when he’d done so little and most of it out of his own selfish desires. There was no arguing with her, however, and Evan wouldn’t have wanted to try and debate this, anyway.

He wanted Alana to think highly of him. He was too weak to convince her otherwise.

Connor joined him as Evan watched Zoe and Jared discuss who got shotgun.

“You good?” Connor shifted awkwardly and Evan felt their arms brush.

“Yeah.” Evan took a moment to look at him, at the way his hair lit up along with the sunset. He liked the slope of Connor’s nose, the mismatched colors of his eyes. It struck him, how alive Connor could look, even as he fought against his own brain for it. “Never better.”

He turned back to the car, where Alana had ousted Jared from the passenger seat. Now the boy slumped against the door from behind Zoe as the girls laughed at his pout.

Evan didn’t know how he could ever love someone more than he loved them.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so, this story took me forever to write, but I felt like I needed to finish it before the year ended. I know that Evan and Connor don't get together in the end, but I just love the idea of them growing together and eventually getting together once they are older and in a better headspace. I have an idea for a sequel, but I have no idea when or if I'll get around to writing it, so feel free to bombard me with ideas.  
> Thank you for reading and, for anyone reading this around the time I published it, happy holidays!


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